My Elul

For the past few years, I have thought a lot about what I need to prep for the High Holidays.  What is it that I want to accomplish in the coming year?  Am I able to reflect on the past year and honestly admit my successes and my failures?  As I sat in #MeditationPlus yesterday, I made a commitment to myself that this year, I would write my thoughts throughout the month.  #MyElul will be my own reflections, my hopes, my regrets, and my promises so that when I show up for Rosh Hashanah, I will be ready.

This year felt like an important year.  Maybe because we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, that's a big deal.  Maybe because I saw some significant growth in our children this year.  Maybe because even the hard stuff that we faced helped us grow.  One of these reasons, all of these reasons, or something entirely different. Whatever it is, these experiences feel more real, more impactful and more authentic.

It made me wonder what I felt years ago.  Today, I pulled out my old journals and was surprised to hear my younger voice as one striving for growth, learning, and opportunities to connect with my family, friends and community.

Fall, 1993 - I wrote that I wanted a job in the Jewish community as a way to connect to my religion.

December, 1993 - I was changing careers and had not yet been hired in the Jewish community.  I was temping and frustrated that my peers were more accomplished.  I was going to dinner with a friend and had $3 in my wallet.  I wanted independence, I wanted to career and I knew how lucky I was that I had a very strong support system. I wrote, "...I will conquer and I will make something of myself."

March, 1994 - Was sad to find that I wrote too much about my appearance and my weight, but this happened to be a good one - "I felt beautiful today.  It was great. I didn't care about my weight, and I felt absolutely stunning. I wish I had more of these days."  I was still temping which made the entry even more wonderful to read.

September 5, 1994 - Compassion - I wrote an entire entry about my love, friendship and sadness for a friend who was going through a very difficult time.  My heart was broken for her then and today, as I read it again, I am right back in the memory.

#myelul - just the beginning